Thursday, November 4, 2010
When Life Gets Rough by Edie Holdgrafer
When life gets rough, it's hard to sayPut on a happy face
Some time in life you have to know
You can't go that extra mile
No matter how much you really want
To help loved ones in life
You have to accept that you may not
Be able to cure their strife
Life deals out so many problems
It makes one rage with hate
But somehow, every single day
We go on, accepting our fate
I guess what kept me going was not so much the excitement of life, for it really was not very good in that respect, but the responsibilities to others in my life. I did accept that as a reason to keep going. I did have a lot of heartaches with broken marriages and not being in the lives of some of the children I brought into the world. I always chalked it up to fate and it was meant to be, etc. and always finding excuses for having to keep going. Many times along my road of life, I wanted to crash and burn, and this is where faith in something unexplainable and beyond us keeps us plugging along, no matter how miserable we are in life. Then when I would be feeling at my lowest ebb, behold, I would see someone who had an ultimate trauma that even I had not suffered through; like a blind child trying to learn to walk, or a deaf child that would never hear sweet music or the voices of loved ones. I would see some poor animal in nature suffering or run over by a car or shot by a hunter, or some other of the millions of bad things we see on television or news, and do not relate them to us. It is very true that to KNOW is to live through it. How can one know how a blind person feels, if they are not blind--or how a deaf person feels, learns, and thinks unless we are deaf, or live with someone we know personally that has gone through it?
I had relatives that killed themselves and others who died young, and one learns to accept that as a part of normalcy in our daily strife to live life to the fullest, hoping fate deals us out some good in with it all.
Personally, I feel that we live over and over in different life forms. We all know there is a beginning and an end to everything--and an opposite to everything. So, please know that I am proud to have been a part of your lives. I am grateful for EVERYTHING that happened along the way, because of the lessons it gave me for the "unknown" that is yet to come beyond this life. I accept it as my FATE IN LIFE and I hope that YOU DO TOO!!!
Your Loving Mother
I had relatives that killed themselves and others who died young, and one learns to accept that as a part of normalcy in our daily strife to live life to the fullest, hoping fate deals us out some good in with it all.
Personally, I feel that we live over and over in different life forms. We all know there is a beginning and an end to everything--and an opposite to everything. So, please know that I am proud to have been a part of your lives. I am grateful for EVERYTHING that happened along the way, because of the lessons it gave me for the "unknown" that is yet to come beyond this life. I accept it as my FATE IN LIFE and I hope that YOU DO TOO!!!
Your Loving Mother
Monday, November 1, 2010
A Kid I Once Was Part III
Part III The end of Pomona and our 19 year marriage
All kinds of changes occurred from that time on. Tim joined the Army and I went to work at the Truck Stop in Ontario and most of the rest of the story you all can remember for you were old enough and had your own life memories started. I remember the days when I had to take most of you with me as I had to drive Ed to and from work for 3 years, as he lost his license to drive for that time getting caught driving drunk. That was the days of the Watts riots. National Guard and police patrols everywhere to keep the peace. Television was so special in those days. Our first television started in the mid-fifties and was such a wonderful clean (nothing to be afraid to have your young children see) and a sit around to television as a family together, like eating meals around the dining table together. None of this carrying food all over the house in those days. You kids would stretch out in front of the television after baths and dressing for bed and bring your pillow out and lie on the floor and enjoy it till you got tired and knew it was bedtime anyway. You did not have to be told "ok kids, it is time for bed." because you just naturally picked up your pillow and rubbed your eyes, threw kisses and went off to crawl into bed. Remember the playing marbles, going to Disneyland, and to the beaches, Long Beach pike and riding the roller-coaster and merry-go-rounds, etc....many memories that today's kids do not have because of hard working people's wages not being enough anymore for those luxuries. I am sorry for one thing and that is the fact that Ed left you boys not caring whether you see him or not--and vanished out of your lives. I always felt sorry about that, but I thank God that Jim came into my life at a very crucial time. Life is always with its ups and downs and good times and bad times. I pray all of you get by and have some good memories to look back upon in your last years of life.
As you know Jim was my rescue to a better life. Sure, we worked together, all of us. But, there was no more cruel treatments and whippings, etc, and I hope you all have some good memories of growing up, all of us together. Life is strange, and we wonder, what is in store tomorrow, or what is next. But, it all ends up that life is not easy for anyone. We all have our own personalities and not all of them blend together, so that is where forgiveness comes in -- forgive and forget--and just go on to see what tomorrow may bring. As I quote my favoite person of all time, Albert Einstein:
DO YOU TRULY BELONG
A lot of the tomorrows were in my life and I like remembering them. It gives me solace. So, that is what I wish for all my loved ones. In the end THE GOOD FAR OUTWEIGHS THE BAD
LOVE IS THE ANSWER AND FORGIVENESS IS LOVE IN THE STRONGEST FORM
All kinds of changes occurred from that time on. Tim joined the Army and I went to work at the Truck Stop in Ontario and most of the rest of the story you all can remember for you were old enough and had your own life memories started. I remember the days when I had to take most of you with me as I had to drive Ed to and from work for 3 years, as he lost his license to drive for that time getting caught driving drunk. That was the days of the Watts riots. National Guard and police patrols everywhere to keep the peace. Television was so special in those days. Our first television started in the mid-fifties and was such a wonderful clean (nothing to be afraid to have your young children see) and a sit around to television as a family together, like eating meals around the dining table together. None of this carrying food all over the house in those days. You kids would stretch out in front of the television after baths and dressing for bed and bring your pillow out and lie on the floor and enjoy it till you got tired and knew it was bedtime anyway. You did not have to be told "ok kids, it is time for bed." because you just naturally picked up your pillow and rubbed your eyes, threw kisses and went off to crawl into bed. Remember the playing marbles, going to Disneyland, and to the beaches, Long Beach pike and riding the roller-coaster and merry-go-rounds, etc....many memories that today's kids do not have because of hard working people's wages not being enough anymore for those luxuries. I am sorry for one thing and that is the fact that Ed left you boys not caring whether you see him or not--and vanished out of your lives. I always felt sorry about that, but I thank God that Jim came into my life at a very crucial time. Life is always with its ups and downs and good times and bad times. I pray all of you get by and have some good memories to look back upon in your last years of life.
As you know Jim was my rescue to a better life. Sure, we worked together, all of us. But, there was no more cruel treatments and whippings, etc, and I hope you all have some good memories of growing up, all of us together. Life is strange, and we wonder, what is in store tomorrow, or what is next. But, it all ends up that life is not easy for anyone. We all have our own personalities and not all of them blend together, so that is where forgiveness comes in -- forgive and forget--and just go on to see what tomorrow may bring. As I quote my favoite person of all time, Albert Einstein:
DO YOU TRULY BELONG
A lot of the tomorrows were in my life and I like remembering them. It gives me solace. So, that is what I wish for all my loved ones. In the end THE GOOD FAR OUTWEIGHS THE BAD
LOVE IS THE ANSWER AND FORGIVENESS IS LOVE IN THE STRONGEST FORM
Roses and Butterflies
When my life has ended here on earth and I have been cremated, I ask that my ashes be placed into a plot of ground and a colorful rose bush be planted to cover me. Then as I become one with nature once again, my blossoms will portray the good times I have had, my colors will portray the beauty I have seen. Rain will replace my tears in life and restore my soil with cleansing. Let the wind blow the trauma from upon my branches that weighed heavily upon my shoulders in life. Le my blooms stay upon the branches to portray my steadfast love to be a reason for existence. Let the beautiful butterflies be happy that I am there for them.
Think of me when you see a butterfly land upon my branches, and know that I am happy!
by Edie Holdgrafer January 26, 1998
Sunday, October 31, 2010
To my son from mother on Mother's Day 1991
But for the Grace of God
I'd be a lonely soul
Instead, I'm rich in memories
of loved ones--young and old
I remember my sweet mother
She was--Oh! So giving
I'd give everything I have today
To have her here--still living!
I'd hug and kiss her everyday
I'd live close by her too
I'd surely do different, to make up
For all the things I didn't do!
Today--all I have are pictures and memories
of her--and I hold them so dear
So I guess that will have to do
Till I die, and once again hold her near
I remember all my children
All have their own sweet charms
I wish they all were little again
For me to cuddle in my arms!
As they age and marry
They bring me special pleasures
The ones they choose as mates,
And their children, are real treasures!
Having had so many children
I'm haunted by the things I didn't do!
But like my own sweet mother, who had ten
I know mine all love me too!
by Edie Holdgrafer 1991
I'd be a lonely soul
Instead, I'm rich in memories
of loved ones--young and old
I remember my sweet mother
She was--Oh! So giving
I'd give everything I have today
To have her here--still living!
I'd hug and kiss her everyday
I'd live close by her too
I'd surely do different, to make up
For all the things I didn't do!
Today--all I have are pictures and memories
of her--and I hold them so dear
So I guess that will have to do
Till I die, and once again hold her near
I remember all my children
All have their own sweet charms
I wish they all were little again
For me to cuddle in my arms!
As they age and marry
They bring me special pleasures
The ones they choose as mates,
And their children, are real treasures!
Having had so many children
I'm haunted by the things I didn't do!
But like my own sweet mother, who had ten
I know mine all love me too!
by Edie Holdgrafer 1991
COWBOY JIM by Edie Holdgrafter
Mom and Jim are now together
COWBOY JIM
GONE NOW, THIS SWEET MAN; FROM EARTH TO HEAVEN ABOVE
LEAVING LOVED ONES HERE, WITH SWEET MEMORIES OF LOVE
YOUR TEACHINGS AND LOVE FOR US, WILL STAY DOWN DEEP INSIDE
IN OUR HEARTS, OUR LOVE FOR YOU; WILL FOREVER, THERE ABIDE
WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HAPPY SMILES UPON YOUR SWEET FACE
ALL THE THINGS YOU DID; WE WERE AMAZED AT HOW YOU KEPT PACE
YOU DID SOME REALLY WONDROUS THINGS, NOT EVERYONE GETS TO DO
WORKING FOR ROY ROGERS AND TRIMMING AND RIDING HORSES, TOO
THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD NOT HAVE DONE IF IT CAME YOUR WAY
WE WILL ALWAYS KEEP YOU SPECIAL; IN OUR HEARTS EVERY SINGLE DAY
REST IN PEACE, NOW, GOOD MAN
FOR YOU HAVE EARNED YOUR PLACE TO BE
WHERE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT
AND SEE EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO SEE
LOVE FOR YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART
REST IN PEACE, MY SWEETHEART
RIDE EM COWBOY, HOPE IT'S ON SPARKY!
Edie, May 2000
A Kid I Once Was (part II) by Edie Holdgrafer
Part II
Several very nice things that the people were all used to and were taking for granted started disappearing. I never really could understand why they stopped all the streetcars that would take people in any direction down the main street, connecting everywhere to make transportation excellent and economical too. Next, they tore down the cables that ran them and that was a huge job creating confusion in traffic. For all those used to traveling by streetcar they now had to either walk, buy a car, or take a gas burning new bus, which really created fumes to rise. Eventually this kind of "fumes" was named SMOG. Then naturally came the removal of the streetcar tracks which took several years of congested traffic with street closures and lane closure signs. I started my driving about that time so all this was soon forgotten, never questioned, and life just went on. My opinion is: IF STREETCARS WERE STILL THE MAIN TRANSPORTATION IN THAT WHOLE AREA, MUCH MORE GOOD WOULD HAVE COME FROM IT ALL. BUT THAT IS JUST MY OPINION.
About the same time this was happening, it was decided it would be cheaper to import our oil from other countries, so SIGNAL HILL and all oil wells were shutdown, supposedly for no oil to be taken. But over the years what happened to that oil reserve? We still have to import our oil but now it is owned by foreign countries and regulations put up on it. NONE OF IT MAKES MUCH SENSE ANYMORE. WHO owns the oil that is in our own country? We have more untapped oil in Colorado than the whole world has. It was once said by sources unknown that we Americans WILL SAVE OURS. What a blindfold the government has put over our eyes.
My first husband was George. He was 3 years older than me. I got pregnant and we had to marry. I think it was July when his folks drove us to Quartzite, Arizona where we married with a justice of the peace. It was so terribly hot we thought we would die in the little 34 Ford we were in. No air-conditioning in the cars at that time. We survived the trip, however, and Gail Ellen was born that following January. She was a delightful little daughter and I fell into into life as a wife and mother. Another child. Tracey Jeanne was born several years later. Life was lonely for me even though we owned our own house. I went to work for Pacific Bell Telephone office and was a long distance operator for about one and a half years. George was also an employee of the telephone company and he worked in the operations department and also worked graveyard shift. During the mornings George would be sleeping and I would take the girls to the babysitter's house before going to work split shift-- which was 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. It was a very miserable position and I could not take it one morning on my day off when George came home about 6 a.m. with a crowd of people. I packed up the kid's belongings and a few of mine and took off for Bakersfield to be with my sister Evelyn and Melvin Powers. I lost my job for leaving with no notice and ended up going back to Los Angeles again and finding a job. It was not long till I found out I was PREGNANT again and told George I needed help--but he refused to believe the baby I was carrying was his. I arranged to live in Rosamond in the little house my mom ended up living in later on, but Hazel's husband George Stemwedel was ill and dying of cancer and could not stand the noise of my two girls playing out in the yard. I understood, and called George to come and get the girls. He did, and I somehow made my way back to Los Angeles and arranged with a doctor there to adopt out the child I was carrying. I ended up getting $75 a month for my expenses and arranged living with a lady who had lost her husband and had 2 kids to care for. I babysat and gave her most of the money -- and all I had money for was cigarettes. Just had to have cigarettes in those days. Pregnant or not. They did not know there was a problem with tobacco then. Shortly after the baby boy was born in 54, my friend, Ed O'Connor, came home from Korea and we were together for 19 years and had the 6 boys. We lived together until George got the divorce, and then we married in Las Vegas. It was not long after I married Ed that George wanted me to stop seeing the girls. He claimed it was too hard to manage them after Ed and I had them for weekends, etc. His mom told me I should just back off, that it was confusing my two girls--and they were having to get spanked a lot. So, I bowed out and George knew where I lived for 10 years after that, and I never had a word of the girls at all.
That was in 1955. Tim had been born and we all went on with our life--Ed trucking and being gone most of the time and would only get 2 or 3 days off before taking off again for another 6 weeks or more. His being gone most of the time made him more potent for getting me pregnant cause pregnant I got--even though I was using the methods they had then for birth control. Guess they did not work too well cause every year and a half or so, I had another baby. After the twins, I went 4 years before Bart was born, but that was only because I had 2 or 3 miscarriages. All together 12 pregnant times to endure and only got to raise 6 boys out of the 9 children I had given birth to. After the twins were born, Ed leased his own truck as was making good money--times were especially good then in the late 50's and early 60's. We did own a home for a while and he leased his truck from Bekins Van Lines until he broke down and traded that truck back east for a new truck and presto. It was not long till he kept getting sent what they called "deadheaded for a destination" and not getting paid for those miles or any problems with the truck--or anything. They did this week after week till Ed was gone 6 weeks to 3 months before he would pop in for 3 days and turn around and be gone again. He finally went bankrupt and we lost our cars, our home, etc. We moved over to Pomona and he went to work for other companies and we got by. Pomona was 10 years of our life and the END of another marriage.
Several very nice things that the people were all used to and were taking for granted started disappearing. I never really could understand why they stopped all the streetcars that would take people in any direction down the main street, connecting everywhere to make transportation excellent and economical too. Next, they tore down the cables that ran them and that was a huge job creating confusion in traffic. For all those used to traveling by streetcar they now had to either walk, buy a car, or take a gas burning new bus, which really created fumes to rise. Eventually this kind of "fumes" was named SMOG. Then naturally came the removal of the streetcar tracks which took several years of congested traffic with street closures and lane closure signs. I started my driving about that time so all this was soon forgotten, never questioned, and life just went on. My opinion is: IF STREETCARS WERE STILL THE MAIN TRANSPORTATION IN THAT WHOLE AREA, MUCH MORE GOOD WOULD HAVE COME FROM IT ALL. BUT THAT IS JUST MY OPINION.
About the same time this was happening, it was decided it would be cheaper to import our oil from other countries, so SIGNAL HILL and all oil wells were shutdown, supposedly for no oil to be taken. But over the years what happened to that oil reserve? We still have to import our oil but now it is owned by foreign countries and regulations put up on it. NONE OF IT MAKES MUCH SENSE ANYMORE. WHO owns the oil that is in our own country? We have more untapped oil in Colorado than the whole world has. It was once said by sources unknown that we Americans WILL SAVE OURS. What a blindfold the government has put over our eyes.
My first husband was George. He was 3 years older than me. I got pregnant and we had to marry. I think it was July when his folks drove us to Quartzite, Arizona where we married with a justice of the peace. It was so terribly hot we thought we would die in the little 34 Ford we were in. No air-conditioning in the cars at that time. We survived the trip, however, and Gail Ellen was born that following January. She was a delightful little daughter and I fell into into life as a wife and mother. Another child. Tracey Jeanne was born several years later. Life was lonely for me even though we owned our own house. I went to work for Pacific Bell Telephone office and was a long distance operator for about one and a half years. George was also an employee of the telephone company and he worked in the operations department and also worked graveyard shift. During the mornings George would be sleeping and I would take the girls to the babysitter's house before going to work split shift-- which was 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. It was a very miserable position and I could not take it one morning on my day off when George came home about 6 a.m. with a crowd of people. I packed up the kid's belongings and a few of mine and took off for Bakersfield to be with my sister Evelyn and Melvin Powers. I lost my job for leaving with no notice and ended up going back to Los Angeles again and finding a job. It was not long till I found out I was PREGNANT again and told George I needed help--but he refused to believe the baby I was carrying was his. I arranged to live in Rosamond in the little house my mom ended up living in later on, but Hazel's husband George Stemwedel was ill and dying of cancer and could not stand the noise of my two girls playing out in the yard. I understood, and called George to come and get the girls. He did, and I somehow made my way back to Los Angeles and arranged with a doctor there to adopt out the child I was carrying. I ended up getting $75 a month for my expenses and arranged living with a lady who had lost her husband and had 2 kids to care for. I babysat and gave her most of the money -- and all I had money for was cigarettes. Just had to have cigarettes in those days. Pregnant or not. They did not know there was a problem with tobacco then. Shortly after the baby boy was born in 54, my friend, Ed O'Connor, came home from Korea and we were together for 19 years and had the 6 boys. We lived together until George got the divorce, and then we married in Las Vegas. It was not long after I married Ed that George wanted me to stop seeing the girls. He claimed it was too hard to manage them after Ed and I had them for weekends, etc. His mom told me I should just back off, that it was confusing my two girls--and they were having to get spanked a lot. So, I bowed out and George knew where I lived for 10 years after that, and I never had a word of the girls at all.
That was in 1955. Tim had been born and we all went on with our life--Ed trucking and being gone most of the time and would only get 2 or 3 days off before taking off again for another 6 weeks or more. His being gone most of the time made him more potent for getting me pregnant cause pregnant I got--even though I was using the methods they had then for birth control. Guess they did not work too well cause every year and a half or so, I had another baby. After the twins, I went 4 years before Bart was born, but that was only because I had 2 or 3 miscarriages. All together 12 pregnant times to endure and only got to raise 6 boys out of the 9 children I had given birth to. After the twins were born, Ed leased his own truck as was making good money--times were especially good then in the late 50's and early 60's. We did own a home for a while and he leased his truck from Bekins Van Lines until he broke down and traded that truck back east for a new truck and presto. It was not long till he kept getting sent what they called "deadheaded for a destination" and not getting paid for those miles or any problems with the truck--or anything. They did this week after week till Ed was gone 6 weeks to 3 months before he would pop in for 3 days and turn around and be gone again. He finally went bankrupt and we lost our cars, our home, etc. We moved over to Pomona and he went to work for other companies and we got by. Pomona was 10 years of our life and the END of another marriage.
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